Who we are vs What we do. The importance of Values

Often feelings like unhappiness, resentment, discontent, or regret arise when what we do doesn’t align with who we are. And who we are is deeply connected to our values.

Values act like a compass—they’re the things that matter most to us when everything else is stripped away. They guide our decisions, shape how we live, and influence what we prioritise.

You might have heard yourself say, “I’ll be happier when…”—but when that moment arrives, the happiness doesn’t always follow. This can happen when we’re not fully aware of our true values, or when we make choices we think align with them, but actually don’t.

For example, someone might pursue a higher-paying job or promotion, believing they value success or financial security—only to find the longer hours, added stress, or time away from loved ones clashes with other, more important values like connection, balance, or wellbeing.

Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, spent years caring for people at the end of their lives. In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she shares five common regrets people expressed:

• I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
• I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish I had let myself be happier.

A key message from these reflections is this: when we’re not living in alignment with our values, regret can follow.

The encouraging part? Once we understand our values, we can begin making small, everyday choices that align more closely with what truly matters.

The challenge is that identifying our values isn’t always easy. If you search online, you’ll likely find long lists—sometimes 50 or more. Try narrowing that down to your top 5. It can be harder than it sounds. And remember, values can shift depending on context—work, relationships, family, and personal life may each hold different priorities.

Exploring values is something counsellors often support clients with. If you’re curious about what truly matters to you, reach out—we’re here to help.